The Unmarked Road

Life On The Other Side Of Mental Illness

Category: Job Dissatisfaction

How Important Is Money To You?

When The Beatles released their 6th British single ‘Can’t Buy Me Love’ in 1964, the lyrics encompassed the very essence of the 60s. Followed by ‘All You Need Is Love’ in 1967, the idea of being able to achieve happiness solely through love was, and still is, one adopted by millions all over the World. It is an ideal that I would love to be able to believe in…were I to live in the magical land of pixies and elves.

I’m not sure that The Beatles ever had to ‘care too much for money’, but currently finding myself with a bit of time to think about life, love and the Universe, I have started asking myself some rather profound questions. ‘What do I really want and what of that do I want solely because it is part of my upbringing in Western civilisation?’ ‘Are the things we deem important such as security, money, power etc, only as important as we allow them to be?’

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Why Am I Here? Anxiety And Overthinking.

This was a post I wrote 3 years ago, almost to the day. While I may no longer be alone, I still have problems with anxiety and overthinking, and so the message of what I went through and learned when I travelled South East Asia on my own are still valuable and still relevant to my life now as I ponder what to do when this adventure ends and I am faced with the reality of my future back home.

The search for our purpose in life can often stop us from enjoying what is right in front of us.

Sometimes, no matter if you are 7, 17 or in my case 27, all a girl needs is her mum. There is no one in the world like her. No one knows or loves you like your mum, and in a time when nothing and no one seems to be able to make a bad situation better, she is miraculously able to say or do exactly the right thing. It’s as if you are born with a guidebook that is specific to you, a manual forged out of the fibres of your being, and she is the only one that understands its contents, so that when you are miss-functioning or broken, all she has to do is consult the correct page to get you back up and running at full speed.

Today I hit a wall. A big, solid, unfriendly one. It’s been exactly three weeks since I arrived on the other side of the world, but it has only been 12 hours since my travel companion left me to continue this journey on my own. And it’s hard going. Now I’m not naive or stupid. I didn’t travel to ‘find myself’. I know exactly who I am. I also know exactly what I want and it came as no surprise to anyone who really knows me that ultimately, my greatest wish is to settle down and have a family. I don’t think there has ever been a time (other than a brief rebellious feminist ‘why should women stay at home’ stage) where I haven’t felt that the reason I am alive is to nurture and grow a family. I am all for choice and even more for equality. I want a career, of course. But in a society where there is an increasing disdain for women who choose to become ‘dumb housewives’, I am almost embarrassed to say that having a family is a priority in my life! In an era where women can have it all, I want it all, however I also believe, circumstance allowing, that if a woman decides to have children, she should be at home bringing them up. Controversial, I know!

This reaffirmation leaves the question then, why am I here? And this is the wall that I came up against today. It was a question I didn’t even know was there. A few disjointed texts to my nearest and dearest gave the support I needed for my currently lonely state, it was however a scarmbled mass of thoughts and feelings put in an email to my one and only mum that truly gave me the insight I needed but couldn’t quite grasp. Now I’m not saying she managed to bulldoze that wall right down to it’s knees (it’s a big old bugger), but she certainly gave me the pickaxe with which to start hacking my way free brick by brick. So spot on were her words that I wanted to share them with you:

‘Finding out that you know who you are is not always great, is it, because then you think: Well what am I going to do about it, seeing everything is crap and knowing who I am isn’t enough. But that’s not what you went away to find out, really. You went to find out: What am I going to do with who I am in the future? If that means coming home, do so! Or keep on going for now and keep faith. You went out there to find something!!! Maybe something you didn’t know you were looking for yet. And maybe it is still out there. Three weeks in places where loads of disillusioned Europeans and Americans are hanging about trying to find the answer to what they are may be the wrong place. Or maybe you just haven’t seen it yet, found it yet, because you are looking at it the wrong way around – like reading the newspaper upside down.’

‘Security comes from within not through being with a person – or more than one. And you know not to forget that life is not like a book and you may not find what you think you are looking for – but will find something you didn’t even know existed.’

‘And maybe you should just see this trip as a holiday for now. Not expect answers and look for them in every corner. Enjoy the weather! The people! The food. Just let yourself drift. You might surprise yourself yet. But whatever you do: don’t try to force things. Don’t think: I HAVE to find these things out here somewhere. Maybe you just need to get away and when you come back you will find what you want right here.’

I really couldn’t have said it any better. It is like she went into my head and extracted the exact information I needed but couldn’t decipher due to the emotional cloud over my head. Yes I’m still lonely, more than that I am scared, hell I feel like sobbing on my dirty, ant infested pillow as soon as I get back into my roofless cardboard hut. But at least it will be with a little more courage and confidence, and a faith that tomorrow, even if not brilliant, might just be ok.

Thank you Mummy xx

The Matrix Is Real – Are You Ready To Be Unplugged?

Happiness is different and unique to each and every one of us. For me, my happiness relies largely upon how free I feel.

My opinion on how free we truly are, is somewhat unpopular largely because it makes people feel uncomfortable. My view that we are nothing but slaves to our 9-5 work schedules, paid barely enough to actually live our lives to it’s fullest potential, is not one those in head offices around the large conglomerate companies around the world would want their ‘worker ants’ to agree with.

Those ‘queen bees’ profiting from all the hard-working people trapped in this commercial beehive called our society, are able to live outside the facade of freedom.

I am not saying those people haven’t had to work hard at some point in their lives. But having experienced both sides of this coin, I know which kind of work I would rather do. Conference calls from a private jet, mind mapping over brunch on a yacht, certainly beats being scolded like a school child over having your phone out during a time that is not deemed as your break.

The Matrix

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Do Women Have To Work Harder Than Men?

Barely a week goes by without a bit of drama in my life. Whether it’s directly affecting me or my friends, it seems someone is always dissatisfied with one aspect of their life. And nearly everyone I know has an unspoken and unknown depression from time to time, without really knowing why and where the feeling has come from. Most, but not all, are women. But is that really surprising?

The pressure put on us as women, by ourselves and our society to ‘have it all,’ is monumental and actually incredibly unrealistic!

In the 60s and 70s, women fought diligently for our equal rights. The right to be treated the same as a man. But haven’t we forgotten one crucial factor? That we are not like men? We are more emotional, sensitive and generally a more peaceful gender. I am in no way belittling the feat of what those women achieved for us, but I don’t want to be treated like a man, I don’t want to be less emotional or sensitive and I certainly don’t want to feel less of a person for not being like one.

Surely equal rights should mean having the freedom to be who you want, and not to try to fit into some man-shaped mould?

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Youtube Channel!

To go with my blog I decided to also record a video diary, literally starting the day I lost my job. In all honesty it is awful!! I almost threw in the towel on the whole thing, but I didn’t want to do it again as it was authentic and real, and I feel it is important for those who don’t know me personally, to really get a feel for who am I as a person. So here’s the video. I really am not exaggerating when I say it is probably one of the most awkward things you’ll ever watch! I promise I’ll get better!

The Unmarked Road

Welcome to my Blog! If you’ve found your way here, you may well be feeling the way I have felt, well as long as I can remember really! After losing my job at Christmas (2014), I became painfully aware of the crossroads before me: one path was clear and well travelled but made me miserable; finding another office job that would never fulfil me felt like a prison to my soul. The other trails were less traveled, but still didn’t allow me the FREEDOM that I so desperately longed for. And so I have decided to risk it all and follow my dream by going down what I call The Unmarked Road; a road that no one has gone down before, which I can mould and create as I go.

I have always felt like I just existed in my life. Not living it. Like a passenger just taking in the scenery and experiencing the things that were happening to me without any real control or influence. Being an over-thinking, emotional person, this has often caused bouts of depression. Suffering from anxiety has meant that I have throughout my life felt very isolated in every way that I felt, and feelings that wouldn’t let me sleep at night or let me live peacefully without intrusive thoughts that this wasn’t MY life, that MY life was meant to be something else, plagued me so much that I thought I wasn’t normal and so for a long time I silenced those voices. I tried to ignore what I now believe to be my soul purpose.

What I have come to realise is that to live the way I want, the only person to make my dream a reality is me. No one is going to give me the perfect life. I am 100% responsible for making the changes to achieve whatever it is I want to happen. And what I want is to help and connect with people that feel the same way, and to write about it. To take the really overgrown scary road which looks like it’s clearly not meant to be gone down for a reason! and to document it, hopefully showing people that while the path may look dark and frightening, the journey is worth overcoming that fear, because what’s on the other side is everything you could have ever dreamed of and more!

So that’s what started it all. This blog will not only serve as a diary to see if and how I find a way to break the confines of our society that try to categorise us and put us into boxes, but will also hopefully give others the courage to go out and do the same. I hope that through it, it may bring some people comfort in knowing that they are not alone. That there is another way. That change is possible if you’re willing to put in the commitment and take responsibility for the actions required to bring about change.

And so my journey down the unmarked road begins! Every day is a chance to be in the driving seat. This is my story.

Dani xx

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