The Unmarked Road

Life On The Other Side Of Mental Illness

Category: Pregnancy

Why Having A Baby Is Not Always An Easy Decision

We all know this scene: a pregnant woman crying over an advert on TV or threatening murder because she has run out of her favourite pickle and jelly flavoured ice cream. Every media outlet we come across shows a scenario in which the pregnant woman behaves in a ‘crazy’ and unstable way due to the hormones raging through her body and we all laugh because it’s just a small snippet in a woman’s life where she can truly become unhinged and no one will say anything.

Everyone but me. Having gone through hormonal imbalances in the past that ended with me taking an overdose, I was terrified of being pregnant. If women with no history of anxiety and depression went ‘nuts’ during pregnancy, what hope was there for me?

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Are You Living In The Moment?

Are you living in the moment or are you waiting for something? A holiday, the weekend, or in my case a baby? I tend to find I am always looking forward to something, wishing the time I have right now away. I don’t think this is generally always a bad thing, but sometimes we are so focused on the future that we are completely missing out on the beauty or the positives of the present moment.

In 5 weeks my due date for having our first baby arrives. If I go overdue, which as a first time mother is statistically more likely , I could be pregnant for another 7 weeks. It’s gotten to a point where I’m just ready. The nursery is done, we have bought clothes for the next 6 months and actually, I’d quite like to stop feeling 90 years old! Women all around me are having their babies (I have joined a July birth board online and my NCT new mummy friends are all due within the next few weeks) and I am getting impatient and jealous!

I want to meet this incredible little human being I’ve made!

I would go as far as saying I’ve become a bit blinkered in my wish for time to go quicker and all I can see is that date: 29th July.

But then during my morning swim, a thought occurred to me. Last month together with my husband, brother-in-law and his girlfriend, I had one of those really enjoyable spontaneous evenings out. Nothing special, just a meal and the cinema but it was great! I thought about how nice it would be to maybe go again this month and then it hit me:

This might be the last month I can do anything ‘spontaneous’ again. It might be the last time for a while I get to go to the cinema even!

This is also the last time in my life that I will have time to just chill out have some me time AND eat whatever I want without feeling too guilty!!

Be it watching the box set of Girls on NowTV or putting together photo albums, baking cakes and even my swimming; once our little angel/devil is here, EVERYTHING we do will involve pre-planning and there will be no time for selfish endeavours. Sleeping all day on the sofa, which has started to occur more often, is also something I can kiss goodbye.

Also, pregnancy has been pretty good to me. Certainly the second half of it. I’ve been the most happy and chilled out I have ever been. Truly content and at peace with myself. This is not something to just wish away! Not for someone who usually suffers from anxiety and intrusive thoughts.

And so I have decided to try and see the positives in the present moment. Because you will never get this time back. I’ve made a list of things I should be enjoying right now:

  • Food
  • Sleep
  • Spontaneous outings with friends and family
  • Peace and quiet – both inside and outside of my head!
  • Food (again)
  • Swimming
  • Selfish me time
  • Time for my marriage
  • Non-sore boobs due to breastfeeding!

So go on. What is it you’re currently unable to stop thinking about? Make a list of pros as to what is good in your life RIGHT NOW and share it with me, I’d love to know what everyone has going on! Might make the wait more bearable 😉

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